February 2005 - Posts
Please see the previous post for the introduction to this.
Genesis Chapter 16
Verses 1-4
Sarah cannot have children. Instead of taking responsibility and working out her faith in God, she asks Hagar to come in and conceive a child for her.(Sarah = Victim, Hagar = Rescuer)
Verse 4
Hagar is pregnant. She persecutes Sarah by being haughty, rude and self-exalting. (Sarah = Victim, Hagar = Persecutor)
Verse 5 & 6
Sarah accuses Abraham of creating the situation that caused her to be despised by Hagar (Sarah = Victim, Abraham = Persecutor)
Abraham wisely refuses the role of Persecutor and tells Sarah to deal with the situation herself.
Sarah persecutes Hagar by mistreating her. Hagar runs away. (Sarah = Persecutor, Hagar = Victim)
Verses 7-15
God shows Hagar where she went wrong in the first place, gives her a promise and tells her what to do to take control of her situation (submit to her mistress). Hagar takes control, follows God's instructions and the household has peace for about 13 years.
Genesis Chapter 21
Verse 9
Ishmael laughs at Sarah nursing Isaac. (Sarah = Victim, Ishmael/Hagar = Persecutor)
Verse 10
Sarah tells Abraham to send Ishmael and Hagar away (Sarah = Victim, Abraham = Rescuer)
Verse 11
Abraham is distressed. He loves Ishmael, his firstborn and only son for 13 years. However, he does not act out the triangle by attacking Sarah. Neither does he attack Ishmael or Hagar. He goes to God, who gives him an instruction. Even though this instruction must have hurt Abraham, God also gave him a promise of a life for Ishmael.
My conclusion: No more accusations, name-calling, cries to people to rescue us or a determination to put other people right. When presented with a role in the Drama Triangle, let us go to God, seek His face, get a Word, get an instruction and stand on that until His will is done.
I was introduced to the concept of the Drama Triangle otherwise called the Rescue Triangle by a co-worker to whom I was griping about how we girlfriends sometimes bail out of touch with each other. He commented that the situation fitted perfectly into the Drama Triangle. See Lynne Forrest's excellent overview of this phenomenon.
Basically, the triangle models the path of interaction between people in a dysfunctional relationship. The degree of dysfunction may vary, but the path always remains the same. The three roles at each point of the triangle are: Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor. Each of these roles stems out of a victim mentality in which we respond to stimuli which we perceive to be out of our control. The starting point of the triangle could be anyone of the roles:
The Persecutor victimizes the victim or The Victim says they can't help themselves and need rescuing or The Rescuer goes in to rescue a victim or defeat a Persecutor. The Drama then moves to the next level when say, the Rescuer's mode of help is not pleasing to the victim. The victim may then persecute the Rescuer and the rescuer becomes the victim. Or, the victim and persecutor gang up on the victim. These role reversals enhance the drama and can take anything from a few seconds to lifetimes to take place. Role reversals may happen several times in a conversation between two or three people.
It is possible to not act out any of these roles, but when you refuse a role passed to you, you will definitely be seen as a Persecutor by one or more people on the triangle. For instance, a Victim becomes the Persecutor when he runs away from the original Persecutor or a Rescuer becomes a Persecutor when she refuses to submit to the demands of a Victim.
After reading up on the Triangle, I could see my own fault in participating in it in several of my relationships my need to build the discipline of walking with people outside of the Triangle even if they want to stay on it.
Next: The Abraham-Sarah-Hagar Drama Triangle.
Mothering my two children in America has made me wonder if my childhood happened the way I remember it. Until I read the excerpt from Motherhood In the Age Of Anxiety by Judith Warner. While Nigeria is not France, the French attitude toward mothering that Warner describes is so much more familiar than some of the child-centered philosophies around here.
Another thing I agree with is the fact that in America, a working mother either meets with total disapproval for "letting someone else raise her children." or empty words of praise without tangible support in the form of tax breaks, affordable childcare or employer support. I still wonder how so many companies get away with not having onsite day care or child care subsidies. Anyway, read the excerpt, get the book.
Since my babies became toddlers, I had to cultivate the discipline of
not talking down to them as we adults are wont to do. Children possess
the same range of desires and emotions that adults to and their sense
of dignity is very strong. Dispossessing a child of his security
blanket may have a similar effect on him as a stolen wallet has on an
adult. Unfortunately, kids do not have the voice to speak out against
an injustice or explain their position.
Last night, I caught myself doing something right:
It was 6.45 p.m. We had just arrived home from work and the kids from
daycare. I had my work cut out for me: Cook dinner, eat dinner, clean
up kitchen, dash to pharmacy to pick up prescriptions, write
something, put kids to bed, update Quicken, go to bed early enough to wake up for
morning prayer. It was just a normal evening in the life of a
Damsel-Christian-wife-mother-booklover-writer.
Then it happened.
My three-year-old daughter came to me and clearly requested that I let
her tape a stack of photographs on the living room wall. I didn't have
a problem with having the pictures on the wall. I think it's more
important for the children to love their home that for it to look
beautiful. The problem was with the fact that such an activity
required that I cut up pieces of tape and hand them to her
continuously until 50 photographs were proudly displayed. That would mean none of my normal evening
stuff would get done.
I had a choice: I could say "No, sorry. Can't happen. I have to make
dinner. Go play with your toys. NOW!!" or I could practice my
Mother-negotiator skills.
I took a deep breath and said "I'm sorry sweetie, we can't put the
pictures on the wall today…….", and her eyes grew full with tears as
her face morphed into that
'How-Could-You-Hurt-Me-So-I'm-Totally-Going-To-Die-If-I-Don't-Get-To-Do-This'
look that you may have seen on your teenager's face recently. Her
chest began to heave with great sobs as I got a brainwave and
continued, "But we can look at them! How about we put the pictures on
the table and look at them, okay?"
The sobs ceased instantly, the tears disappeared as I placed the stack
of pictures on the table and she became engrossed in to studying the pictures intently.
Phew! Disaster Averted and to ensure that I do not have to rely on my negotiation skills tomorrow, I shall purchase a tape dispenser and
scrap-booking kit tomorrow.
Tomorrow: Father Abraham and the Drama Triangle
Hiya,
Welcome to my blog.
I harbor a sneaking suspicion that I communicate best in print. Well, maybe not best.....I communicate most honestly in print, on paper, over msn messenger, whatever.
The Sade you talk to may or may not be the real one. The Sade you read is always real, maybe not always her best, but definitely always authentic.
I suspect that this is because my most honest friends have always been books. I am one of those people who reads to feel alive. I come out of the pages of a book with the feeling of a life well lived and a destiny fulfilled. I was the six-year old kid who got scolded for wanting to take her encyclopedia along to a birthday party. My meals taste better when eaten with my nose in a book (you get the picture).
So here's my blog about me, my life and my books.
Enjoy.
ST